My first taste of sanity.

On the evening of 10.25.11, my dad walked in on me with 8 sleeping pills in my hand, ready to swallow to put myself into permanent sleep. I was ready to give up. I had just called out, asked for God to show me if there was any reason left. And he showed me my dad. My dad, who I haven't been able to have a stable relationship with since he found out I was in love. That showed me, that my reason right now, is my family, my music, and the people I love..even the ones I shouldn't love. I put the pills back, didn't swallow any more but the two that I take every night, the ones that give me the peace of mind I need for a good nights sleep. The same pills that not only control my sleeping habits, but my depression, and my anxious thoughts. Funny, how the pills that save me could so easily kill me. Put my heart to a stop..make it so slow it gives out.
The next day, I found myself sitting in a counselors office. I now find myself there at least once a week, as I get evaluated for mental disorders, so far it seems like bipolar disorder. I fear nothing more than counselors. What will they do to me? But she said something, something I didn't think about until now. What if I don't have to let go? What if, just maybe, fixing me doesn't mean giving up? But what if it's false hope? Who knows. Six months of completely re-defining me on my own has gotten me nowhere. I've done a complete 180 turn, of falling out of love, back to you being my everything. The everything I swore not but 2 months ago was long gone and out of my life. You aren't real to me, but you're the most real thing I have. I love what isn't mine anymore. My thoughts, my dreams, my insanity. My fantasy world, the one in my head. Where nobody gets hurt, because no one exists.
I'm not insane. It's only temporary. My sanity is hell, nothing hurts more than the reality of not having you in my arms. No pain greater than needing that. I shouldn't need that. But a promise is a promise, and my promise to never let go isn't one I'm capable of breaking.