Two Years Ago.

Deep in thought, and I'm thinking about nothing. This hurts. Is it pain? Or is it the numbing I'll get used to? I can't feel what I'm thinking, though it's not even in words. It's emotion that won't hit me, something I may never feel. It's the longing for the final rest, the one we all come to at some point. It's confusion, such a blur. I don't even know how to explain it. It's a feeling, it's a season. Sometimes the best treatment will never fix. It's so longshot, I'm so frozen. Nothing is all I have left. Throw a smile, fine on the outside, learn how to live so no one knows. Say I'm better, say I'm okay. But on the inside, my heart is hollow. My heart's grown cold. I don't mean to hurt others, but what better way to hurt myself? This is coping. This is learning. Is this all I'll get in life? Is this my future? It's not what I want. I want to let go, I want to forget. I don't understand my own hurts. They say I'm doing this to myself, and I know I am, but the question is why? Why can't they fix me? Why can't I be happy too? Everything is fading, and I don't have any way to stop it. I'm not in control of this. I can't process anything anymore. I feel nothing. I want to feel nothing. I just want rest.

October.

My least favorite month of the year. Why can't it be over already?? So tired. Haven't been thinking straight. Everything's so blurry. I'm just going with the flow, tired of fighting it. Worn down. Confused. But I'm doing me. I'm keeping my guitar in hand and not giving up on it. Bowling is my thing. Looking for me? You'll probably find me bowling a few games down at Bandera Super Bowl. Home away from home. I feel like I've lost everyone's trust. Like they see me as a hopeless case. But that can't stop me. I'm learning not to need someone else to keep your head up for you. Just brush it off and let it go. Don't hold onto what you can't have.

And more thoughts.

(You Make It Real-James Morrison)
So today was Aileen's birthday. We went to the cemetery to spend some time with her. It was really hard, but we made it through. Happy birthday Aileen, love ya girl. Hope you're having fun up there with the angels. :) But we really miss you down here. It's sinking in for me that you're really gone, and it hurts a lot. Please be watching over all of us, especially Gabe. He needs his mom to take care of him.
(Collide-Howie Day)
School ended yesterday, so I'm done with freshman year. I almost didn't pass my geometry class, but I saved myself literally two minutes before it was too late. Passed with a 71. Very glad that I passed, considering how much I'd truly hate to retake that class. I seriously can't stand math. I suck at it.
(Too Lost In You-Sugababes)
My head is spinning with all the relationship issues I have. I just can't take it. It's so exhausting. I don't understand why I always struggle with this. Why do I need someone so much? Why do I always take my friendships so intensely? It just doesn't make sense to me. I seriously need healthier friendships. I can't move on from the past, I don't know what to expect from thhe future. Something needs to change there.
(Little Lion Man-Mumford & Sons)
My cousin's coming to live with me for a few weeks. This should be interesting. We'll either love each other or hate each other. Don't know what to expect.

Just some thoughts

So, it's been a very hard month.
Lost a very close family friend to murder. She left behind a son and a daughter. RIP Aileen, love you.
Also been struggling to let go of an unhealthy relationship, but I'm not ready to yet. I really love her. Time's gotta help me out on this one. Because she's really amazing. I can't stop thinking about her. She knows how to help me out. She knows how to make me happy. But it's gotten so out of hand...how much I depend on her. It seems like she's ALL I ever think about. Between her and music.
(Somewhere A Clock Is Ticking-Snow Patrol)
I've been attached to my guitar for the past two weeks. More than I usually am. It's just because that's my escape. That's how I can forget about everything and just let go. I can just breathe and live in my own little fantasy world...it's my drug.
(Set Fire To The Rain-Adele)
And lately, I've really needed it. I'm just so empty and worn out. I can't ever sleep anymore, then when I do, I can't wake up. It's so hard to focus. So hard to stay happy. I feel that it'll get better, but for now it's draining.
School ends next week. Thank god. Freshman year finally over. I'll no longer be a fish. Less work in band...lol.
Which reminds me, I'm getting moved up to second band this year! Excited. Means I'm making progress! I don't suck anymore!! I have potential.
(Fix You-Coldplay)
My sister is so cute! She's a mini-me(: She's all chunky haha. I love her so much! She's also been a big part of my life. Like, HUGE part.
So I had attendance retrival today. Most boring 3 hours of my entire life. At least after testing you can sleep...I sat there staring at the clock the whole time. That's what I get for being absent though...
(The End Where I Begin-The Script)
So. About Valerie. It's been a whole year since she stopped talking to me. I still hurt just as much now as I did then. I still cry. I still wake up from nightmares. Not even nightmares, even just dreams. I still see her face in my mind. I made her a promise that I would never forget her, and no matter how hard I try to break it, I can't. It's tearing me apart more than anything. I love her, more than she'll ever know. And it's not that I'm...I don't know. She didn't deserve what I did to her. If she would take my apology, it would mean a lot. But she won't. So that's really hard to live with.
(Bleeding Love-Leona Lewis)
Well, I'll leave here, since it's 11 pm and I'm extremely exhausted. Goodnight.

Life Without You.

I almost gave this up....heh.

So it's been MONTHS. Sorry. Been busy. I'm now a freshman at Warren High School. Band is awesome, youtube covers going up all the time...life is good. :) Been writing alot too. ahh...soooo...not much to write. Not much has happend lately in life. -dsagacity

School, youtube, and some Dan Black

Okay, I apologize. I haven't posted in quite a while. That is due to my first topic: SCHOOL.

I'm proud of myself, I have good grades. But anyways, I can't wait. Within the upcoming month of MAY, I will have a band performance, the school play performance (Phantom of the Op'ry), and the most important thing: I WILL FINISH JR HIGH. Finally. Geez. Can't wait.

YOUTUBE
Ok, I did a cover of Telephone by Lady GaGa not too long ago. If you're reading this, most likely you've already seen it. If not, here it is....

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZhU3dxy1ChI


And lastly, DAN BLACK

Ok, this guy is freaking amazing. About a year ago I first heard of this guy on the OneRepublic myspace blog, by Mr.Ryan Tedder's post. I didn't start listening to his stuff until about a week ago, and I LOVE LOVE LOVE IT! You have to check him out.
http://danblacksound.com/


for now......much love!

-aliasaddict