His hands were shaking. His mind went blank. He was shutting down. Fighting. All this fighting. What was it for? He walked out empty handed. All he had lived for was left behind. He couldn't take this. He forced a smile day in and day out, but all he could think of was her. Everything about her. Why'd he have to lose her? What if he'd fought harder? Was it too late? So much going on that he couldn't comprehend.
He cried himself to sleep that night and many after, only to be abruptly awoken by his broken dreams each time. Dreams of holding her close, of what they used to be. As time passed, he became cold to the world around him. He refused to love, in fear of losing others the way he'd lost her. He became happy in his blindsided fantasies. He declared his hatred for her, for himself, and for their past together.
A hole had been created in his heart for this girl, and the only way to fill it was with love or hate. He'd sworn he loved this girl enough, and that the only way to let her go was to hate her. He filled his mind with this hatred, letting it overwhelm him day by day. He tensed at the sound of her name, wishing he'd never heard it. When people asked how he was, he swore he was fine. He felt no love for her anymore. He didn't care about her. He lived life like this, smiling on the outside and feeling pure hatred on the inside. Living every moment in fear, afraid to have to face the truth.
Then the day finally came. His last chance to let go, last chance to say good-bye. He couldn't. He broke. Nothing made sense to him. Why couldn't he let go? He realized what he'd never noticed before. He didn't hate her. He couldn't. He made a promise to her, and although so long ago, it would always be intact. A promise, to never let go. To never stop loving. To never give up. To never stop fighting.
And no matter how much he wanted to break his promise, some promises just can't be broken.
Thursday, November 10, 2011
Wednesday, November 9, 2011
Science Of Fear
He laughed. In the midst of it all, standing face to face with his greatest pain, and all he could do was laugh. After everything that he'd been through, he knew that there was no other way to deal with this.
There was no way for him to really understand what was going on around him, he'd been delusional before anyone even realized it. Nor could anyone truly look at things from his perspective. It was impossible. To him, reality was non-existent.
Hours passed, as he lied there, speaking to himself in words only he could understand. She watched him through the small hole in the wall -one he created with anger on an earlier day- as he rambled on. He would sway back and forth, between moments of joy and cries of fear. She worried about him, but she knew that nothing could be done to make him well. Only he could pull himself out of the mess he created. She walked away from the scene, no longer being able to watch her love fall farther from what he used to be.
He got up off the floor and looked around the room to see if anyone was there. It was empty. The only objects in the room were his small box that contained his belongings and himself. Hands shaking, he opened the box. He poured out the objects, pulling each one out of the pile as he shuffled through them. As he tossed each object aside, he kept mumbling to himself.
Papers, a necklace, a few pictures, a charm, and some pills. Those pills, given to him by what he could only describe as a human form of satan. He feared nothing more than the medication. It silenced him, made him become what everyone wanted him to be, not what he truly was. He hated what he became, when they forced the pills down his throat. The rest..the peace it gave him. It didn't belong. He knew he didn't deserve it. He hurled the bottle across the room, screaming louder than he ever had before. Nobody noticed; His screams had become a common sound throughout the household.
He spun around to look at the papers he'd scattered across the floor, all were folded quite unevenly, except one. He reached for that one. He read it to himself, even though he already knew what it said. He'd read it enough that he could recite it word for word. It was the last note she'd written him before he gave up. He cried as he read through it, each word stinging him like a needle prick. As the letter came to a close he let go of the paper, letting it gently float back to the ground. He picked up another piece of paper, this one folded poorly, with many tears and unnecessary folds throughout it. He didn't open this one, only clenched it in his hand as he walked across the room to pick up the pill bottle. Hands still shaking, he looked at the bottle and read the prescription label, probably for the first time in his life. He popped off the lid, as he began to smile. Without hesitation, he poured the contents of the bottle into his mouth. He swallowed the pills, as he began to laugh. He'd never felt so happy before. Nothing was going to bring him down anymore, he was free.
She found him lying there, stone cold, but with a smile on his face. She saw the note in his hand, and ripped it from his grip. With tears in her eyes, she read the note aloud.
"I'm not letting you go, I'm just waiting for us to be together on the other side. Sorry I can't be what you want me to be, but I swear I'll be just that when I see you again."
There was no way for him to really understand what was going on around him, he'd been delusional before anyone even realized it. Nor could anyone truly look at things from his perspective. It was impossible. To him, reality was non-existent.
Hours passed, as he lied there, speaking to himself in words only he could understand. She watched him through the small hole in the wall -one he created with anger on an earlier day- as he rambled on. He would sway back and forth, between moments of joy and cries of fear. She worried about him, but she knew that nothing could be done to make him well. Only he could pull himself out of the mess he created. She walked away from the scene, no longer being able to watch her love fall farther from what he used to be.
He got up off the floor and looked around the room to see if anyone was there. It was empty. The only objects in the room were his small box that contained his belongings and himself. Hands shaking, he opened the box. He poured out the objects, pulling each one out of the pile as he shuffled through them. As he tossed each object aside, he kept mumbling to himself.
Papers, a necklace, a few pictures, a charm, and some pills. Those pills, given to him by what he could only describe as a human form of satan. He feared nothing more than the medication. It silenced him, made him become what everyone wanted him to be, not what he truly was. He hated what he became, when they forced the pills down his throat. The rest..the peace it gave him. It didn't belong. He knew he didn't deserve it. He hurled the bottle across the room, screaming louder than he ever had before. Nobody noticed; His screams had become a common sound throughout the household.
He spun around to look at the papers he'd scattered across the floor, all were folded quite unevenly, except one. He reached for that one. He read it to himself, even though he already knew what it said. He'd read it enough that he could recite it word for word. It was the last note she'd written him before he gave up. He cried as he read through it, each word stinging him like a needle prick. As the letter came to a close he let go of the paper, letting it gently float back to the ground. He picked up another piece of paper, this one folded poorly, with many tears and unnecessary folds throughout it. He didn't open this one, only clenched it in his hand as he walked across the room to pick up the pill bottle. Hands still shaking, he looked at the bottle and read the prescription label, probably for the first time in his life. He popped off the lid, as he began to smile. Without hesitation, he poured the contents of the bottle into his mouth. He swallowed the pills, as he began to laugh. He'd never felt so happy before. Nothing was going to bring him down anymore, he was free.
She found him lying there, stone cold, but with a smile on his face. She saw the note in his hand, and ripped it from his grip. With tears in her eyes, she read the note aloud.
"I'm not letting you go, I'm just waiting for us to be together on the other side. Sorry I can't be what you want me to be, but I swear I'll be just that when I see you again."
Monday, November 7, 2011
My first taste of sanity.
On the evening of 10.25.11, my dad walked in on me with 8 sleeping pills in my hand, ready to swallow to put myself into permanent sleep. I was ready to give up. I had just called out, asked for God to show me if there was any reason left. And he showed me my dad. My dad, who I haven't been able to have a stable relationship with since he found out I was in love. That showed me, that my reason right now, is my family, my music, and the people I love..even the ones I shouldn't love. I put the pills back, didn't swallow any more but the two that I take every night, the ones that give me the peace of mind I need for a good nights sleep. The same pills that not only control my sleeping habits, but my depression, and my anxious thoughts. Funny, how the pills that save me could so easily kill me. Put my heart to a stop..make it so slow it gives out.
The next day, I found myself sitting in a counselors office. I now find myself there at least once a week, as I get evaluated for mental disorders, so far it seems like bipolar disorder. I fear nothing more than counselors. What will they do to me? But she said something, something I didn't think about until now. What if I don't have to let go? What if, just maybe, fixing me doesn't mean giving up? But what if it's false hope? Who knows. Six months of completely re-defining me on my own has gotten me nowhere. I've done a complete 180 turn, of falling out of love, back to you being my everything. The everything I swore not but 2 months ago was long gone and out of my life. You aren't real to me, but you're the most real thing I have. I love what isn't mine anymore. My thoughts, my dreams, my insanity. My fantasy world, the one in my head. Where nobody gets hurt, because no one exists.
I'm not insane. It's only temporary. My sanity is hell, nothing hurts more than the reality of not having you in my arms. No pain greater than needing that. I shouldn't need that. But a promise is a promise, and my promise to never let go isn't one I'm capable of breaking.
The next day, I found myself sitting in a counselors office. I now find myself there at least once a week, as I get evaluated for mental disorders, so far it seems like bipolar disorder. I fear nothing more than counselors. What will they do to me? But she said something, something I didn't think about until now. What if I don't have to let go? What if, just maybe, fixing me doesn't mean giving up? But what if it's false hope? Who knows. Six months of completely re-defining me on my own has gotten me nowhere. I've done a complete 180 turn, of falling out of love, back to you being my everything. The everything I swore not but 2 months ago was long gone and out of my life. You aren't real to me, but you're the most real thing I have. I love what isn't mine anymore. My thoughts, my dreams, my insanity. My fantasy world, the one in my head. Where nobody gets hurt, because no one exists.
I'm not insane. It's only temporary. My sanity is hell, nothing hurts more than the reality of not having you in my arms. No pain greater than needing that. I shouldn't need that. But a promise is a promise, and my promise to never let go isn't one I'm capable of breaking.
Some Songs That Make Me Think Of You (Or Just Tell My Story For Now)
Without You-dSagacity
*A Drop In The Ocean-Ron Pope
No One-Alicia Keys
If You Could Only See-Tonic
*You Stupid Girl-Framing Hanley
It's Been Awhile-Staind
Someone Like You-Adele
Pain-Three Days Grace
More Than A Memory-Hoobastank
*I Can Wait Forever-Simple Plan
*An Island Now-Canvas Waiting
*Pretty Things-Oceanship
Same Mood Today-The Heartbroken
*Big Bird In A Small Cage-Patrick Watson
In The Belly Of A Whale-Scott Orr
Haunted-Kelly Clarkson
Dead Hearts-Stars
Stay-Jesse Thomas
Re:Stacks-Bon Iver
These Walls-Trapt
*Everything-Tyler Ward
Home-Edward Sharpe and the Magnetic Zeroes
Starry Eyed-Ellie Goulding
*Life Without You-Stanfour
Without You-Breaking Benjamin
I Will Follow You Into The Dark-Death Cab For Cutie
Won't Stop-OneRepublic
Not Over You-Gavin Degraw
*The End Where I Begin-The Script
Silvia-Miike Snow
*Iris-Goo Goo Dolls
Worry About You-2AM Club
Borrowed Time-Augustana
These are the songs, the music, the words I can't say. Not like anyone would listen, to what I have to say. This is a pretty long list. The ones that are starred are the main ones though.
*A Drop In The Ocean-Ron Pope
No One-Alicia Keys
If You Could Only See-Tonic
*You Stupid Girl-Framing Hanley
It's Been Awhile-Staind
Someone Like You-Adele
Pain-Three Days Grace
More Than A Memory-Hoobastank
*I Can Wait Forever-Simple Plan
*An Island Now-Canvas Waiting
*Pretty Things-Oceanship
Same Mood Today-The Heartbroken
*Big Bird In A Small Cage-Patrick Watson
In The Belly Of A Whale-Scott Orr
Haunted-Kelly Clarkson
Dead Hearts-Stars
Stay-Jesse Thomas
Re:Stacks-Bon Iver
These Walls-Trapt
*Everything-Tyler Ward
Home-Edward Sharpe and the Magnetic Zeroes
Starry Eyed-Ellie Goulding
*Life Without You-Stanfour
Without You-Breaking Benjamin
I Will Follow You Into The Dark-Death Cab For Cutie
Won't Stop-OneRepublic
Not Over You-Gavin Degraw
*The End Where I Begin-The Script
Silvia-Miike Snow
*Iris-Goo Goo Dolls
Worry About You-2AM Club
Borrowed Time-Augustana
These are the songs, the music, the words I can't say. Not like anyone would listen, to what I have to say. This is a pretty long list. The ones that are starred are the main ones though.
Tuesday, October 25, 2011
Two Years Ago.
Deep in thought, and I'm thinking about nothing. This hurts. Is it pain? Or is it the numbing I'll get used to? I can't feel what I'm thinking, though it's not even in words. It's emotion that won't hit me, something I may never feel. It's the longing for the final rest, the one we all come to at some point. It's confusion, such a blur. I don't even know how to explain it. It's a feeling, it's a season. Sometimes the best treatment will never fix. It's so longshot, I'm so frozen. Nothing is all I have left. Throw a smile, fine on the outside, learn how to live so no one knows. Say I'm better, say I'm okay. But on the inside, my heart is hollow. My heart's grown cold. I don't mean to hurt others, but what better way to hurt myself? This is coping. This is learning. Is this all I'll get in life? Is this my future? It's not what I want. I want to let go, I want to forget. I don't understand my own hurts. They say I'm doing this to myself, and I know I am, but the question is why? Why can't they fix me? Why can't I be happy too? Everything is fading, and I don't have any way to stop it. I'm not in control of this. I can't process anything anymore. I feel nothing. I want to feel nothing. I just want rest.
Monday, October 3, 2011
October.
My least favorite month of the year. Why can't it be over already?? So tired. Haven't been thinking straight. Everything's so blurry. I'm just going with the flow, tired of fighting it. Worn down. Confused. But I'm doing me. I'm keeping my guitar in hand and not giving up on it. Bowling is my thing. Looking for me? You'll probably find me bowling a few games down at Bandera Super Bowl. Home away from home. I feel like I've lost everyone's trust. Like they see me as a hopeless case. But that can't stop me. I'm learning not to need someone else to keep your head up for you. Just brush it off and let it go. Don't hold onto what you can't have.
Friday, June 3, 2011
And more thoughts.
(You Make It Real-James Morrison)
So today was Aileen's birthday. We went to the cemetery to spend some time with her. It was really hard, but we made it through. Happy birthday Aileen, love ya girl. Hope you're having fun up there with the angels. :) But we really miss you down here. It's sinking in for me that you're really gone, and it hurts a lot. Please be watching over all of us, especially Gabe. He needs his mom to take care of him.
(Collide-Howie Day)
School ended yesterday, so I'm done with freshman year. I almost didn't pass my geometry class, but I saved myself literally two minutes before it was too late. Passed with a 71. Very glad that I passed, considering how much I'd truly hate to retake that class. I seriously can't stand math. I suck at it.
(Too Lost In You-Sugababes)
My head is spinning with all the relationship issues I have. I just can't take it. It's so exhausting. I don't understand why I always struggle with this. Why do I need someone so much? Why do I always take my friendships so intensely? It just doesn't make sense to me. I seriously need healthier friendships. I can't move on from the past, I don't know what to expect from thhe future. Something needs to change there.
(Little Lion Man-Mumford & Sons)
My cousin's coming to live with me for a few weeks. This should be interesting. We'll either love each other or hate each other. Don't know what to expect.
So today was Aileen's birthday. We went to the cemetery to spend some time with her. It was really hard, but we made it through. Happy birthday Aileen, love ya girl. Hope you're having fun up there with the angels. :) But we really miss you down here. It's sinking in for me that you're really gone, and it hurts a lot. Please be watching over all of us, especially Gabe. He needs his mom to take care of him.
(Collide-Howie Day)
School ended yesterday, so I'm done with freshman year. I almost didn't pass my geometry class, but I saved myself literally two minutes before it was too late. Passed with a 71. Very glad that I passed, considering how much I'd truly hate to retake that class. I seriously can't stand math. I suck at it.
(Too Lost In You-Sugababes)
My head is spinning with all the relationship issues I have. I just can't take it. It's so exhausting. I don't understand why I always struggle with this. Why do I need someone so much? Why do I always take my friendships so intensely? It just doesn't make sense to me. I seriously need healthier friendships. I can't move on from the past, I don't know what to expect from thhe future. Something needs to change there.
(Little Lion Man-Mumford & Sons)
My cousin's coming to live with me for a few weeks. This should be interesting. We'll either love each other or hate each other. Don't know what to expect.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)