Two Years Ago.

Deep in thought, and I'm thinking about nothing. This hurts. Is it pain? Or is it the numbing I'll get used to? I can't feel what I'm thinking, though it's not even in words. It's emotion that won't hit me, something I may never feel. It's the longing for the final rest, the one we all come to at some point. It's confusion, such a blur. I don't even know how to explain it. It's a feeling, it's a season. Sometimes the best treatment will never fix. It's so longshot, I'm so frozen. Nothing is all I have left. Throw a smile, fine on the outside, learn how to live so no one knows. Say I'm better, say I'm okay. But on the inside, my heart is hollow. My heart's grown cold. I don't mean to hurt others, but what better way to hurt myself? This is coping. This is learning. Is this all I'll get in life? Is this my future? It's not what I want. I want to let go, I want to forget. I don't understand my own hurts. They say I'm doing this to myself, and I know I am, but the question is why? Why can't they fix me? Why can't I be happy too? Everything is fading, and I don't have any way to stop it. I'm not in control of this. I can't process anything anymore. I feel nothing. I want to feel nothing. I just want rest.

October.

My least favorite month of the year. Why can't it be over already?? So tired. Haven't been thinking straight. Everything's so blurry. I'm just going with the flow, tired of fighting it. Worn down. Confused. But I'm doing me. I'm keeping my guitar in hand and not giving up on it. Bowling is my thing. Looking for me? You'll probably find me bowling a few games down at Bandera Super Bowl. Home away from home. I feel like I've lost everyone's trust. Like they see me as a hopeless case. But that can't stop me. I'm learning not to need someone else to keep your head up for you. Just brush it off and let it go. Don't hold onto what you can't have.